Tuesday, January 6, 2015

My TTC story


A test like this is what anyone who is TTC wants to see. I had one once, but the pregnancy didn't take. I miscarried the night of my wedding so everytime I celebrate my wedding anniversary I also mourn the loss of our baby.

I have been TTC for two years now, since the miscarriage (and that was a planned pregnancy that we tried for).

This is a very personal subject and I really never thought about sharing it on here until today.

Today is another hard day! I was really hoping that I was pregnant because my "menses" was late. Today marked three days late. I was getting my hopes up for sure, until I saw a little red on the tp. My husband kept trying to warn me that I was getting "baby crazy" and that it was probably just a late period, but I was so hopeful.

After two years I'm kind of numb to the pain and the disappointment. I don't cry anymore, and each month that goes by I lose more and more hope that I could ever have a baby naturally. I've always wanted to adopt, but the plan was always to have my own first.

I have always had a strong maternal instinct. Being a mom has always been my dream, which makes this especially tough.

I want to say that adoption should never be thought of as a second rate option. I have heard stories about children who were adopted by couples who felt like they could never have children, had one, and then the adopted children were kind of shoved to the side. Adoption isn't for everyone, but its something I have always wanted to do.

To me having a biological child first just makes sense most and fits into that perfect "plan". From an emotional stand point, I just know adoption can take YEARS and I don't know that I could try for years to adopt a child... I don't know how I would handle that.

I just wanted to share because I know I'm not alone going through this and I want anyone else who is trying to know they aren't either. I've miscarried, I've cried, I've been to fertility specialists, my husband has had a semen analysis, the problems found our doctor says shouldn't be problematic. I've heard the "everything happens for a reason" speech, the stories people share of people they know that tried for years and then got pregnant, the "everything in gods time" speech. I have baby things from the time I was pregnant before I miscarried, I have baby clothes I found on clearance and picked up a year ago thinking that I would just donate the gender we didn't end up with because I should get pregnant anyday now right?

This isn't a pity party, although I'm sure I'll partake in one once aunt flow completely makes her appearance. I know I'm not alone in this struggle... I'm not the only one who can't attend baby showers, who has a hard time feeling happy for SOME people when they find out they are pregnant, who gets upset when people who aren't ready for or trying for a baby wind up pregnant, teen pregnancies, druggie moms, bad moms, mothers who are trying to conceive again and think they know how we feel "your a mother, its NOT the same thing! You are SO lucky"!
I'm sure I'm coming off looking super judgey... and that isn't my goal, it isn't how I want to come off, but I'm being real.

For all of you who are in the same boat I just want to say I'm sorry and I hope you get a postive bfp soon or adopt, however you want to start your family!